“Empty Hope” by Nathan A. Smith
Digital Art – 20″x30″ (unframed)
ARTIST STATEMENT:
Gut pain hit me hard in 2010.
Blood tests came back abnormal, so I bought the first supplement I was sure would cure me, probably within a few weeks – which seemed an interminable amount of time to feel better.
I had no idea just how long, how dark, or how desperate my journey was about to become.
Sixteen years later, I am no closer to a cure.
My pain, fatigue and list of diagnoses have only increased. Endless doctors, specialists, travels to out-of-state clinics, surgeries, tests, procedures, prescriptions, supplements, dietary protocols, and alternative cures — and many tens of thousands of dollars — all failed me.
And yet I keep trying.
“Empty Hope” represents this endless cycle of hope and heartbreak searching regain my health and my life.
Covering the background of the image are just 300 of the countless cures I’ve tried. 300 times I invested a piece of my soul into a new treatment. 300 times I went to bed saying to my wife, “Is tomorrow the day I’ll feel better?” 300 times that hope vanished – like the large empty orange pill bottle with its looming shadow.
At best, a failed cure left an empty wallet and wasted time. At worst, a medication would cause a terrible reaction trapping me in weeks of sweating, itching, needle-like pin-pricks all over my body, bedridden exhaustion, severe insomnia, intractable migraines, or terror-level anxiety.
At each dead end, hope dies, and something inside me dies too.
A protective mindset eventually sets in. Cautious optimism armors itself with hardened skepticism, a shield against inevitable disappointment.
And yet, even as exhausted as I am in body, mind and soul, I crawl on.
As long as there’s one more treatment to try, maybe there is hope.
Nathan A. Smith is an artist, poet, musician, and photographer living in the Pacific Northwest of the United States. As a creator navigating complex and severe chronic illness, his work explores the unfiltered reality of life. He strives to give honest voice to both the light and the shadows — expressing the heavy, unseen struggles just as truthfully as the moments of resilience and hope.