The Apathetic Oath
My toe fell off.
“We ran tests,” said the doctor.
“Everything looks normal.”
Then my foot fell off.
“You seem depressed,” said the doctor.
“These happy pills will make you feel better.”
Both my legs fell off.
“Missing legs are really just in your head,” said the doctor.
“Have you seen a psychiatrist?”
My finger fell off.
“I don’t know what else to tell you,” said the doctor.
“Have you tried meditation or acupuncture?”
Then my hand fell off.
“Now you’re just faking it for attention,” said the doctor.
“You’re a druggie looking for a high.”
Both my arms fell off.
I laid in bed, unable to move.
“Some patients just don’t want to get better.”
Author’s Notes:
The statement by the doctor in this poem aren’t made up. Most of them are almost direct quotes from various doctors I saw while slogging through our very broken American medical system.
The system works great for standard typical people with standard typical illnesses. But it far too often and too easily fails people who have rare, complex, chronic, or difficult to diagnose health problems.
Other gaslighting things said to me:
“That condition is too rare for you to have.” Turns out I did have it and could have been spared years of pain and misery if a doctor had just run a test.
“Pain is just a signal in our heads.” In my head, I wanted to take a hammer to that doctor’s thumb and ask him to repeat is statement.
“I can diagnose only these 5 things. You’ll have to see some other kind of doctor. I don’t know who.” Conversation over. No referral. No discussion. No help finding a next step.
It’s bad enough that the medical system is so difficult to get through. The burden falls on the severely ill patient to make endless phone calls, to do their own research, to wait months to get an appointment — only to be treated with disrespect, denial, and gaslighting by doctors who are unwilling to help.